I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
