he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
