So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
