Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
