The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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