I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
