I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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