I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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