cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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