last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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