who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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