i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
