I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
