sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
