last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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