I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
