He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
