Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
