I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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