You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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