There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
