Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
