you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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