We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
