I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
