KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We had sex on a dog bed..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
