i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
