just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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