I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
