She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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