Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
