So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
