Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
