Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
