but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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