Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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