I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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