Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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