it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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