Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
