It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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