FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
