Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
