I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
