I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
