I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
there is glitter all over my balls
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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