I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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