he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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