We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
