I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
